I think I may be guilty of being mean to myself. I expect myself to be able to do the things I'd planned to do that day, no matter what. If something does get in the way, I try and do everything normally anyway and get frustrated with myself when I fail.
Nothing seems to be a good enough excuse. If I'm sick, well, it's not like I'm in hospital or dying so I should be able to do it anyway. If I'm in pain I should be able to ignore it. If I'm just too tired and can't be bothered I wonder if I'm just being lazy.
Does this sound a bit harsh? Because for some reason it's what I expect of myself, even though it sounds absurd when I write it down. And that's probably because it is absurd.
The weird thing is, people I know expect similar things of themselves. They try to do a million practise exams and get upset with themselves when they don't do them all. They compare themselves to everyone else and don't seem to get that everyone has different strengths and weaknesses, and most importantly, that everyone one of them has something great and wonderful about them.
Writing that, I realise that it is so easy to tell people that they do too much and should not compare themselves to others, but in saying that I am technically a hypocrite because that is what I do myself. So, I need to make a conscious attempt at changing my own habits, because I can't tell anyone to change theirs if I am not making an attempt.
Be nice to yourself.
Let yourself rest when you are tired.
Put your health and well-being first.
Remember that sleep is not optional, but compulsory.
And make sure listen to your body and your inner voice.
Please, take care of yourself.
You know when you really want to do something so badly right now that it's almost impossible to resist? I've been googling stuff on the internet and it has ignited the fire to create something within me.
I've always liked making things. When I was little I'd make cars and houses out of lego for the smaller toys to use. Later on I got into making things on the computer. There were the houses I built on the Sims, the animated slideshows with a storyline on powerpoint, and when I got my first camera, the videos that I edited of my friends and me acting out random plotlines.
As I got closer to the age I am now, I lost interest in making things. I'd just moved schools, so I think I might have been a bit too busy for time-consuming hobbies. I think I did miss it though. In year 9 for my Independent Learning Project I decided to make a castle-like thing I'd heard about in Poland. It took ages but was well worth it, and I have something time-consuming like that in mind now.
I spent about an hour today googling wheat packs and rice packs because of this idea that I've had for a while that I have started obsessing about now, less than two weeks from my first exam.
Well, this is inconvenient.
At least it isn't the weekend before the exam that I'm getting obsessed about something. That happened last time and didn't end very well. Although with my luck I'll find something else to obsess about later. Or maybe just the same thing. Sigh.
Somehow I need to stuff this desire to make something in an imaginary bag (or should I say cage) and not let it out until after exams.
Why can't after exams be now?
Holidays are almost over, and so my final term at school will begin. I can barely believe that I have just over two weeks of school left and then am never going to take a school class ever again.
While I'm happy that I'll have this huge break from studying after November, I'm going to miss my school. It is such a wonderful environment to be in, and unfortunately the world seems to be its exact opposite.
I have so many plans for after exams that I don't know where to start. I have to keep reminding myself that I have to actually do the exams before it's considering after exams but I really wish I could do everything now. I'm wondering whether I should get a part time job somewhere, but then I wouldn't know where to go or how to start going about that.
At some point I have to find out about the music opportunities in my area. My school has a great music department with a lot of events which I've been part of in the last 4 years. Leaving means I can't do that any more, and I want to find some sort of activity to replace it. I guess I'll have to wait and see what happens with that.
Only 48 days of studying left. Now, that's kinda scary.
It never fails to amaze me how quickly I get tired nowadays. Like, I do an hour of study in the morning and then end up doing nothing for the rest of the day because I'm waiting to see if I feel better later. And then occasionally I try studying and give up after five or ten minutes because it all seems too hard. It's weird.
I keep telling myself that it's perfectly natural to want to take a break from the stress of this year but the thing is, I don't actually want to be doing nothing right now. I want to study so I don't fail my exams.
Maybe I'm just sleep-deprived, but I've been sleeping 9-10 hours since a week before the holidays. If I have some sort of virus, it doesn't seem to have any outward signs and I probably should be seeing improvement by now. I suppose it's possible that I'm just being lazy. It really is the most likely explanation for everything. I guess I'll just need to try harder tomorrow.
It is now holidays, which in Year 12 really means two weeks where everyone studies but doesn't have to go to school. I have printed off so many practise exams, and may not finish them all before next term.
On the other hand, there is this creative writing competition at my local library which closes next Saturday. Since it's a maximum of 1500 words, I still have time to write something for it, but it will take up quite a bit of time and effort which may be better spent studying. There is every reason why I shouldn't do it, and only one reason for it: I really want to.
The only problem is that I have no idea if I want it enough to justify the energy I would most likely spend writing, and re-writing, and editing. I get tired really easily, so if I decide to write something properly I'd need to set aside a few precious days next week where I don't do much study at all.
The sensible and logical choice would be to be a good girl and study for exams, but I'm getting sick of not doing things because that's the sensible thing to do.
So... should I be sensible, or do something which would be fun and potentially stupid?
Today I saw this post on the Brave Girls Club website, and felt it was particularly applicable to everyone doing VCE at the moment.
Dear Soulful Girl,
All you can do is all you can do. There's really nothing more that you can do, so fretting over things that you don't have any more time, energy or resources to accomplish is only going to make things miserable when they don't have to be. It's time to slow down, sweet friend. It is ok.
When you have done all that you can, please let it be enough. This means, when you have done all that you can while also getting enough sleep, exercise and time to recharge...this doesn't mean getting all that you can done with 2 hours of sleep, a meal at a drive-through and running as fast as you can everywhere you go....feeling miserable, strung out and cranky.
Life is as crazy and harried as we allow it to be. When we want to make things special for those we love, we need to remember that what they want most is US. They want time with us. They want us to feel good and to be in a good mood and to be present. They want happy memories that include us. Sometimes this means that we must simplify so that we do not fall apart. Some times this means we need to let go of our idea of perfection and just show up AS IS.
So, please sit down with yourself and be realistic. What is necessary and what is not? What is making you crazy and could be let go of? What do you want MOST to give? Prioritize and let some things go...it is ok. YOU matter. YOU are the best gift you can give. YOUR time, your heart, your words, your presence....THAT is the greatest gift.
You are so loved.
A message from your friends at the Brave Girls Club - www.bravegirlsclub.com
I especially think that the bit about putting sleep, exercise and rest in front of doing work is a great reminder. It's going to be so easy to burn out between now and final exams, so it is important to take care both physically and mentally.