'Why me?' That's a thought that's been going through my head quite often in these past few weeks. I'm not even 20 and I take more pills than my father (who's in his late 60's). I think I even take more pills than my diabetic uncle. I almost feel like my life is over when really it's just beginning.
They say that there are five stages of grief when someone dies. Well, no one I know has died and yet I seem to alternate between all of them. I'm still partly in denial of this my-brain-is-really-sensitive-to-changes thing. I can't seem to go to sleep at a reasonable hour. I feel sad whenever I do and strangely victorious when I stay up late even though it makes me feel horrible. But at least I take all my pills now. Some days I seem to feel angry all the time, which is frustrating because there is nothing to direct my anger to. Apparently all this 'why me' stuff counts as bargaining, and sometimes I'm just sad, and I wonder if I'm depressed but it doesn't last long enough to count so I figure it's kinda normal.
But surprisingly, a lot of the time I'm fine. I'm just trying to live my life the best I can. And I have no idea how I do it. I suppose I have to because I don't have a choice. I really resent that right now.
Why the hell did this have to happen to me? Why does it have to be all the time? Can't I just have a break? For a day, even an hour?
I don't want any of this. I don't want to have to go to neurologist appointments where I have to make decisions that could potentially impact the rest of my life. And I am so terrified that one day some medicine I take will wreak my liver, or my stomach, and that I'll be in even more trouble. I'm scared that my brain will learn that pain is normal and I'll just keep getting worse and worse. So I have to take the drugs to try and control it. But there's always the question, what if I never get better? How the hell am I going to do this for another fifty or more years? With so much uncertainty it's not wonder that I don't want to make any defined goals for the future.
The annoying thing is that I have no idea if this is normal or not. No one told me to expect this emotional side effect from being in pain all the time. Not one doctor has ever thought to tell me about it or to even ask how I feel psychologically. Between that, and being told that my only problem is stress with an implied 'go away' something is seriously wrong with the medical system. Something is wrong with the way doctors are taught, because some of them still think it's appropriate to put their ego ahead of a patient's welfare.
I could keep ranting for ages and ages about this and that, but ironically I have just about ran out of energy and can't think straight anymore. This never used to happen...*sound of annoyance*. So, end of rant, sorry about the randomness of the stuff if you read this, but everything is just too much at the moment (probably doesn't help that it's holidays and I have so much time to think), and I just have to vent somewhere.