I did something to my wrist a few days ago and now every evening it starts hurting and my hand goes a bit numb and weird. I wanted to know what to do so I used a symptom checker on my symptoms.
Every single item was some version of a nerve problem. I suppose the lesser ones like carpal tunnel syndrome are possible but it's useless for me to worry about that now. I have exams for goodness sake! I definitely shouldn't waste time googling stuff. And it hasn't gotten me any closer to what's actually wrong with my wrist, there's just a lot of maybes.
Moral of the story: Don't google your own symptoms. It's always a bad idea.
It's strange. I'm pretty much completely functional. There's nothing stopping me from getting up and doing things. I don't have a physical injury or anything like that. It seems like there is nothing wrong.
And then obviously there is something wrong. People aren't usually in pain all the time. It's supposed to be a warning system, something that only comes when there's something wrong. It triggers some sort of instinct in our body to do something about it. Do something to make it stop. Find the reason and fix it. But what do you do when the thing that's wrong isn't fixable? It becomes a problem with no easy solution, if there is one at all.
What am I supposed to do? People aren't going to understand a problem that I barely understand myself. So I try to spend as much time as possible pretending it doesn't exist, and sometimes I succeed in forgetting... but it's only momentary.
I try being productive but almost don't have the willpower to be. I try doing nothing but I get bored very quickly. My mind needs to be active but putting aside all the distractions in my body and thinking takes so much energy that it isn't as fun as it used to be. There are so many thing I want to do and so many places I want to visit but getting there will involve pushing through so many invisible barriers that it almost makes me dread it.
If only I could be satisfied with less. If only I didn't have so many obstacles in my way. I'm completely in the middle, with not much of an ability to do things, but still with the potential to do things. Like a kind of limbo. And I can only hope that things will get better so this limbo will cease to exist.
I finally found a 10th anniversary recording of Les Mis. It is awesome and I keep listening to it. The people are such good singers that I don't think I'll be able to completely enjoy the movie version again. In comparison I really get why some people have been complaining about how bad the movie sounds.
Here it is on youtube: