It never fails to amaze me how quickly I get tired nowadays. Like, I do an hour of study in the morning and then end up doing nothing for the rest of the day because I'm waiting to see if I feel better later. And then occasionally I try studying and give up after five or ten minutes because it all seems too hard. It's weird.
I keep telling myself that it's perfectly natural to want to take a break from the stress of this year but the thing is, I don't actually want to be doing nothing right now. I want to study so I don't fail my exams.
Maybe I'm just sleep-deprived, but I've been sleeping 9-10 hours since a week before the holidays. If I have some sort of virus, it doesn't seem to have any outward signs and I probably should be seeing improvement by now. I suppose it's possible that I'm just being lazy. It really is the most likely explanation for everything. I guess I'll just need to try harder tomorrow.
Apparently brain fog is when your thinking goes "foggy", which for me usually means my short term memory gets really quite bad.
Today, I took bad memory to a whole new level.
This afternoon, I went to a local chemist to buy some epsom salts because I heard they could be quite relaxing in baths. My dad was waiting for me so we could go somewhere else, so my mission was to go in, get the salts, pay for them and meet him outside.
So, I went in, quickly found the salts, and quickly walked to where my dad was, outside the store, money in one hand, and the epsom salts in the other! My dad saw that I'd just walked out without making the side trip to the checkout and asked me what the hell I was doing. I realised instantly what was wrong and went back in to pay for the stuff, trying not to burst out laughing.
I suppose it was lucky there was no-one paying attention to what I was doing. If some security person had seen me walking out of the store with "stolen" goods I'm not sure how I would have explained myself. 'I meant to pay for it I swear. Look, I'm even holding the money for it.' or 'I forgot to pay for it before leaving the store. I know this seems like some line people caught stealing would feed you, but this time it's actually true.' They'd probably send me to some sort of asylum right then and there, either because they actually believed me, or couldn't believe I'd give such a ridiculous excuse.
Saying all that, this will probably be the highlight of my holidays. lol.
I have this new theory that you have to make your own happiness. It makes no sense to just wait for happiness to happen and for there to be this magical moment where everything is great. In reality it never will be unless you work at it.
I'm starting to realise that happiness doesn't have as much to do with the things around you as with how you react to those things around you. You have to be happy about the good stuff and refuse to let the bad stuff get you down for too long. This is one of those easier-said-than-done things, but I'm pretty sure it's achievable. It's not like I'm anywhere near perfecting any of this. I'm only 18, and there is so much that I do not know about the world. Although I suppose it's a step in the right direction that I recognise that.
Now this has been a really confusing and rambling post. But I suppose the main point is that it all comes down to attitude, and life experience helps put things in perspective.
It is now holidays, which in Year 12 really means two weeks where everyone studies but doesn't have to go to school. I have printed off so many practise exams, and may not finish them all before next term.
On the other hand, there is this creative writing competition at my local library which closes next Saturday. Since it's a maximum of 1500 words, I still have time to write something for it, but it will take up quite a bit of time and effort which may be better spent studying. There is every reason why I shouldn't do it, and only one reason for it: I really want to.
The only problem is that I have no idea if I want it enough to justify the energy I would most likely spend writing, and re-writing, and editing. I get tired really easily, so if I decide to write something properly I'd need to set aside a few precious days next week where I don't do much study at all.
The sensible and logical choice would be to be a good girl and study for exams, but I'm getting sick of not doing things because that's the sensible thing to do.
So... should I be sensible, or do something which would be fun and potentially stupid?
I'm of the mindset, that when you're sick or aren't feeling well for any other reason, it's helpful to surround yourself with cute things, and things that make you warm and fuzzy inside. So to help with that, I'm going to try to make a wheat pack! And not just any wheat pack, but an animal wheat pack!
I'm thinking of making one like a simplified version of a stuffed toy animal, but with wheat inside instead of stuffing. I can make it colourful and nice and soft with the right materials.
Hopefully with a bit of practise I can make one that looks cute too.
So today when I got home, I clicked onto the internet and started procrastinating for a little bit. The first thing I saw was a picture entitled Life lessons from Disney.
Straight away I thought: this is a sign.
Now, this may not make sense without a bit of back-story. Today I was listening to some friends being really excited about this idea they have for our last-day-of-school costume. And the idea was... Disney princesses!
At the time I was mostly neutral about the idea but now I find myself getting kinda excited. I don't know why, maybe it's because the idea now has some sort of deeper meaning for me. Or maybe I'm just kinda superstitious. Yeah, I'm probably just being superstitious.
If anyone is actually reading this blog, you may or may not have noticed that there is a badge with two ribbons on it just under the categories on the right. And they are not just there for decoration. They actually represent something.
Both these badges are symbols of migraine awareness, the purple one on the left for migraine in general, and the purple one with the red stripe down the middle on the right for chronic migraine. To explain migraine in general, I like the information these three posts about symptoms, life impact, and the biology behind it (just click on each topic to see the posts I speak of). Chronic migraine is classified as having migraine symptoms for fifteen or more days a month, for at least three months.
I have a badge with these ribbons on my blog because I want to show my support for raising migraine awareness. Not many people realise that a migraine is not just a bad version of a headache, but involves other symptoms, such as nausea, dizziness, confusion and many others. Not all symptoms have to occur at the same time, and it is actually possible to have a migraine without any headache at all.
So that's what the two ribbons on the right mean. Interesting that this explanation of a seemingly simple picture is longer than a lot of my other blog posts.
Today I saw this post on the Brave Girls Club website, and felt it was particularly applicable to everyone doing VCE at the moment.
Dear Soulful Girl,
All you can do is all you can do. There's really nothing more that you can do, so fretting over things that you don't have any more time, energy or resources to accomplish is only going to make things miserable when they don't have to be. It's time to slow down, sweet friend. It is ok.
When you have done all that you can, please let it be enough. This means, when you have done all that you can while also getting enough sleep, exercise and time to recharge...this doesn't mean getting all that you can done with 2 hours of sleep, a meal at a drive-through and running as fast as you can everywhere you go....feeling miserable, strung out and cranky.
Life is as crazy and harried as we allow it to be. When we want to make things special for those we love, we need to remember that what they want most is US. They want time with us. They want us to feel good and to be in a good mood and to be present. They want happy memories that include us. Sometimes this means that we must simplify so that we do not fall apart. Some times this means we need to let go of our idea of perfection and just show up AS IS.
So, please sit down with yourself and be realistic. What is necessary and what is not? What is making you crazy and could be let go of? What do you want MOST to give? Prioritize and let some things go...it is ok. YOU matter. YOU are the best gift you can give. YOUR time, your heart, your words, your presence....THAT is the greatest gift.
You are so loved.
A message from your friends at the Brave Girls Club - www.bravegirlsclub.com
I especially think that the bit about putting sleep, exercise and rest in front of doing work is a great reminder. It's going to be so easy to burn out between now and final exams, so it is important to take care both physically and mentally.
Today was World Suicide Prevention Day, and, coincidentally, the beginning of Invisible Illness Week. I find this quite suiting, as depression, which sometimes escalates to someone not wanting to live anymore, is an invisible illness.
To show support for suicide prevention, the year 12's of my school wore some yellow today. I realise that this is a small gesture, but hopefully at least one person affected saw and understood what the colour means, and felt a little less alone in their depression. Invisible illnesses have a way of making someone feel alone and misunderstood, and any thing that minimises this feeling is a step in the right direction. Hopefully, this day is a step in that direction.