I'm writing this now instead of this brief for a project I'm the head of in the uni chapter of this volunteer organisation I'm a part of that I said I'd have done by tonight. I'm not sure entirely why I'm updating this blog now, though I might not get the chance to for months once uni gets even busier than it is currently.
The last few months have been a bit of a rollercoaster ride, one that I'm still on I suppose. I'm actually starting to wonder if I ever will get off it. The summer holidays were a bunch of medical appointments with a few catch-ups with friends in between them. It wasn't very restful and I could have used some more time before uni started up again. I have finally admitted to myself that I cannot be described as healthy. As much as I hate to use the word, I'm sick. My symptoms for migraine are crazily out of control and seem to be getting worse. I'm tired all the time, even if I've technically had enough sleep. I haven't felt well rested after sleep for quite a few years now. I'm in pain all the time, and I can't keep lying to myself saying that that is 'normal'. Lately, especially after exams finished, I haven't felt like eating. December was horrible for that and I have lost quite a bit of weight, though my weight is still in the healthy range according to BMI. My mood isn't very good either, and has actually gotten scarily bad a few times. And I'm not entirely sure why that's happening. It's like, am I depressed, is this just a normal reaction to everything else that is going on, or is it some other thing I've never even heard of?
I wish I could say that is all. The last few months (minus last time which is actually kinda reassuring) I've been getting cramps as far as 10 days before my period, which apparently could be completely normal or something to be concerned about. I mentioned it at two different doctors appointments (with different doctors) that were about something different just to see if it was a cause for concern, and they had the same opinion: that it could be absolutely nothing but there is this thing called endometriosis that sometimes happens. Hearing the second doctor admit that possibility was quite terrifying, especially since I've heard of that condition and it sounds horrible. The second doctor saying it also made it more of a real possibility, One person's medical opinion can be dismissed as being potentially wrong, as they are only human, but someone else agreeing with them really does back it up as valid.
So I suppose those were my summer holidays. Appointments. Trying new drugs and treatments. Having side effects to those drugs and treatments, including one extremely scary and unpleasant one that has made me nervous to try any other anti-nausea drugs. Trying not to let the emotional rollercoaster overwhelm me. And the occasional bit of face-to-face socialising.
Sounds great right?
But anyway, now holidays are over and I'm starting uni. It's gotten really busy already, though it probably doesn't help that I'm a project head this year. All my subjects are really full on, like I spent 9 hours (it was supposed to be 10 but I forgot to go to a tute in my Friday fatigue) going to physics classes and labs alone. Third year PDEs looks like it's assessment-heavy, and French is quite a step up from last year. And I'm doing design as my eng subject. Design is ridiculous, with quizzes before each lecture and homework to do after each lecture and a CAD task every week along with our design project which we are expected to be working on constantly in our teams (all this stuff is assessed). The design project is actually really hard, with 17 pages of rules and diagrams for the competition we're entering as part of the subject. An alternative to that is joining the motorsport team, who builds their own car to race, which is by application and interview only. I applied and am not sure if I want it or not. Apparently the time commitment averages at 20 hours a week which is quite crazy, but it would be so awesome to join because of the opportunities it would bring. Am I crazy for applying with my current health situation? Probably. But I guess I was never very good at saying 'no' to things (including opportunities that come my way). I wonder if this year will be the year I learn to say 'no' to things. Like, last year I learnt how to delegate and let someone else do something, as well as how to accept help a bit better. I've already started to say no this year by saying I can't go volunteer at a event even though I'm technically free. I may be free, but I need that time to rest and do other tasks such as doing assignments and other uni work.
I guess that's it for now. I still need to write that brief for the project I'm in charge of and I'm starting to get sleepy. Spending time writing all of this is possibly a huge waste of time and energy, so hopefully it was at least kinda therapeutic for me. I think it might have been? It's hard to tell.
*presses post without a proper conclusion at the end of this rather long kinda disorganised thing*